Secrets to a Long Lasting Marriage (for the D.I.Y. Rock Star)

This post loosely accompanies Gab & Jam,

episode 250 Secrets to a Long Lasting Marriage (for the D.I.Y. Rock Star)

(video: https://bit.ly/250marriagevid and podcast: https://bit.ly/250marriagepod )

As an overarching principle, you should marry your best friend. By doing that, you will make this whole list easier to understand and easier to employ. If that is NOT the foundation of your marriage, there is MORE of the likelihood that these guidelines will be harder to do and, thus, the union harder to sustain. By developing a friendship over time, you’ve seen them through a variety of different moods, and you’ve even had your arguments. However, through all of that, you remain friends. You decide that your friendship is worth more than the drawbacks that you’ve discovered and you cherish THAT more than anything else. Therefore, you overcome the adversities and figure out how to hold on to that thing that keeps you together. THAT is the MOST important ingredient to you both making it work.

Here are 6 secrets to a long lasting marriage

(for the D.I.Y. Rock Star):

1. Treat each other the way you want to be treated

It’s MUCH easier to do this when you value your friendship. We believe in the law of reciprocity—what some people call “karma”—so there’s NOTHING like knowing that your spouse is thinking of getting back at you for having lunch with an ex by having lunch with his/her ex. If YOU wouldn’t want SOMEONE else to do something like this, then think about that when you are TEMPTED to do something as untoward as that. If you keep this as one of the FIRST principles, you are more likely to sow joy in your relationship and not chaos.

2. Be prepared to work through issues

You KNOW there will be issues, so come prepared to work through the “hard parts” of the relationship. Because you cherish the great times you have together, you are willing to rebound after an argument or disagreement. Sometimes, you even agree to disagree, so that you can move past the “issue” and return to the friendship that could be destroyed, if you don’t prepare to work through some things. –And maybe you DON’T both like the same songs or artists, but there will be SOMETHING that you guys share that makes all the work “worth” it. Cleave to THAT.

3. Prioritize your relationship needs over your kids’ needs

EVEN if your relationship begins with a pregnancy, try NOT to make the kids the “center” of your relationship. Remember that kids will go, but if your relationship is built on them, you won’t have much left. This is one reason that we are proponents of date night, where you go out and spend time talking to each other about things OTHER than kids, bills, and household issues. The bottom line is that you don’t want to wake up, after the kids are grown and have moved out, and realize that you don’t KNOW—or like—your spouse, so invest in keeping the bonds warm between you all along the way.

4. Figure out ways to spend time together around things you both value

We mentioned spending time engaging in date night, but, really, any activity that you both care about is a good way to spend your time together, including passion projects, movies, concerts, fitness, etc. Remember, the same way you would spend quality time with a friend; that’s what you need to do with your spouse. –For us, it was OBVIOUS that music was what drew us together and music is an activity that often has us working on and spending time together. –So, if prefer to spend times with your friends than you do with your spouse, that’s LIKELY an indication that he/she may not, sadly, be “the one.”

5. Realize that your relationship is NOT going to be like other folks

Even though we’re giving you “guidelines” to help you have SOME clue at how to approach a living, breathing, changing relationship, your relationship will NOT be like ANYONE else’s (as odd as that seems). You are working out the details of your relationship as you figure out what works for you both, which is why couples like Bill and Hillary Clinton have a “unique” configuration, but still seem to make it work. Not that you need to use THEM as a model, but they are a good example of just how awkward and odd a long lasting relationship can be.

6. Realize that you’re NOT perfect

That’s right! YOU’RE NOT PERFECT, but NEITHER is that new girlfriend or boyfriend! We’re all human, which means we all have our shit to work through. So, have some empathy. –However, we’re NOT telling you that you have to put up with EVERYTHING. –In fact, is someone is physically, verbally, and/or emotionally abusive, you need to get the heck out of there, quick, fast, and in a hurry!